I should have been in bed hours ago. I intended to go, but realized that I still had too much to get done before I could rest. There’s Girl Scout cookie mom stuff and PTA stuff, mom stuff and wife stuff. Stuffity, stuff, stuff-stuff. You know what I mean? There’s always stuff. I’m on stuff overload.
I couldn’t handle any heavy thinking tonight. The truth is that I have not been still for days. Not one moment for me and my thoughts for a long time and it’s starting to show. I’m grouchy and the stuff isn’t getting done. I mean it’s sort of done, but not completely done.
After Big Poppa went to bed I came up to my office to finish up some things and found myself just sitting here staring at the screen. It feels so good just to be completely still. The house is quiet with the exception of the clicking of the keys as I type. No television noise and no kids bickering. Just me. Alone. Completely still.
This feels wonderful. Not because I have such deep and clever conversations with myself, but because for at least these next few minutes or hours, I am completely my own. I don’t owe anyone a meal, or a clean pair of jeans. No one is looking for the last place that they put their glasses or library book. I do not feel guilty because something that I was supposed to do isn’t complete. Most importantly I am not behind the wheel of a car which seems to be where I spend most of my time these days. I’m just here in this space enjoying the solitude.
I like this.
I say that I’m never going to get this way again. I say that I will make time for myself every day (even if it’s for a few minutes) just to unwind. I don’t. I usually move from one thing to another, scheduling my days to be full from beginning to end. The silly part is that I know that if I don’t have at least one day in my week that is completely unscheduled, it really messes me up. I start to feel crowded and restricted. Oh, I always fill my unscheduled days up with…well…stuff, but the fact that it’s free-flowing makes me feel less restricted. I didn’t do that this week so now, I’m sitting here in the middle of the night, just being still.
I’m finally getting sleepy.
Please, tell me that you can relate to this or I’m going to feel very odd. No, I’m sure that I’m not alone. Night time seems to be the time when most moms tend to find their sanity. I still haven’t found mine so I’m going to sit here a little while longer.